You know how yoga and the spiritual community in general are oftentimes painted with this uber positive I-love-everyone we-are-all-perfect-and-empowered undertone? We are all "love and light" and we reject unpleasant things. "Don't show violence. It is going to affect our frequency." "All positive vibes only." "Don't complain." "Don't talk about politics." Don't get me wrong. I like the positivity, but I think it's also important not to get caught up in a fantasy, in a projection of perfection, to pick and choose and even romanticize only the positive, but forget that there are shadows lurking within ourselves, in others, and in the world around us.
The focus of the month is called open doorways, and I think for us to actually open doorways to our freedom, we have to take it all in, not just the positive, not just the good parts, but even the darkness and the shadows and the flaws and the setbacks that we see. One of the barriers that keeps us from the doorway of freedom is the mistaken notion that things have to be "perfect", that we have to be "perfect", that others have to be "perfect". Can you see how that could be a formula for chronic unhappiness, given that none of those criteria are realistic? If we want freedom from pain, we have to make peace with something we might not quite like: surrender. If we want to open the doorway to living fully, we have to accept reality as it is, the whole of it. The gesture namaskar with hands together is a symbol of the union of opposites-- left and right, sun and moon, male and female, light and darkness, and so on. Our very existence thrives on the union of these opposites, and to see only one but not the other denies our wholeness. So think of the traits you have that you tend to show others, the characteristics that you take pride in, the parts of you that you like strengthened-- accept that. Then think of the parts of yourself that you tend to hide, traits you may think are flaws, tendencies you perceive needs improvement, characteristics you may wish to get rid of-- accept that too. Accept that you are whole as you are. Acceptance does not come as a result of some conditions being fulfilled. Acceptance must come, right here, right now, with no strings attached. To accept does not mean to be passive; instead, it means to unconditionally embrace all that we are, and take action from a place where guilt and blame do not exist. Now in your mind, begin to see yourself as a whole person, and understand that perfection has nothing to do with it. I accept. I accept. I accept.
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Has anyone you know suffered? Or maybe a more appropriate question to ask is: has anyone you know not suffered? From the time they're born, everything worked out according to plan, all desires fulfilled, all wishes granted? No one has led such a life. Everyone suffers. We all suffer in ways big and small. We suffer through disappointments, rejections, losses, grief, etc.
But why is it that some people go through intense suffering and not only survive but use their suffering to live more inspired lives? We've heard stories of people who were diagnosed with terminal illnesses, given a few months to live, managed to heal themselves, and used their first-hand experiences to share natural healing with others. We've heard of people who were victims of hate and violence who end up not only becoming teachers to others who are victimized but also to the perpetrators of violence. We've heard of those who have witnessed unimaginable cruelty and did not give up and instead used their trauma to be proponents of peace. How do they manage? You see, suffering and spiritual awakening are two sides of one door. We have it in us to open the doorway of suffering to see what is on the other side of it. Through the rock-bottom of disappointment we can rise up and find a different way of seeing things and doing things. Through hardships and challenges thrown at us we can observe and acknowledge things as they are-- difficult, yes; permanent, definitely not. When suffering arises, our vision may be clouded and we see only hopelessness, and it may be so unbearable that we wish to run away. Do not hide, do not escape, do not ignore it or minimize it or exaggerate it. In yoga asana, we all know too well that what we do isn't always easy. Often there is a lot of discomfort. But it is through the discomfort that we are able to transform the body, to gain flexibility and strength and balance. In the same manner, it is in our difficulties that we grow to see what's inside of us, the courage that was dormant, the compassion that was untapped, the strength that was unexplored. We allow all of that to rise into the surface through our discomfort. See the suffering for what it is. Lean into it, so that the doorway opens and you are able to see the awakening that is on the other side. Note: I am not endorsing the use of ayahuasca as the use of this plant medicine may be right for some and not for others. I am merely sharing my own experience and this individual decision does not reflect the views of any of the organizations I am affiliated with. I have read enough about enlightenment and dissolution of ego to be interested in it, to have the desire to know it, to be curious enough to find ways to seek it. My understanding has been intellectual and so when I read the accounts of people who have experienced taking ayahuasca, I thought it might give me the experiential understanding I lack. I never intend to rely on plant medicine alone, but I do want a "head start", just to catch a glimpse of what is ahead. Session 1 I joined an Ayahuasca Ceremony that included sangana eye drops, snuff rapé, kambo vaccine (which I skipped because it is not vegan), and ayahuasca. The eye drops were painful but lasted only a few seconds. I didn't really notice any significant immediate benefits. The rapé is this powder the shaman blows through your nose, and you keep it there by breathing through your mouth. It gave me an instant hit, I was fully awake and alert in seconds, with a jolt of clarity, and though it was accompanied by discomfort at first, it was followed by tingling from my shoulders all the way to my fingertips, after which I started to feel propelled by an energy to sway and move my upper body. It felt as though I wasn't moving, but that an energy was moving me. Now to the main event. We were told to set a clear intention about what we want to get from the ayahuasca journey. I set my intention to experiencing that I am whole, that I am complete, that I am loved, that I am free. I drank the ayahuasca. I must have purged way too early, because nothing happened. As other people around me started to go on their journeys, obvious by their monologues or deep sighs and cries, I felt nothing. I called the attention of one of the volunteers, and I was eventually given a second cup of ayahuasca, and given further instructions not to purge for at least one hour. This time, I changed my intention. I want to be enlightened. I want to feel the oneness of being. Then it started. I closed my eyes and saw visuals at first, like fractals, random shapes and patterns and colors that I've never seen before. Then I saw Ganesh in encrusted gold outline across the sky, part like constellation, part like Chinese paper theater. How interesting, I thought, for Ganesh the remover of obstacles, to appear. I saw Marcin next, and I got in touch with the part of me that I have not been giving that much attention to in my day-to-day life, that is how dearly I love him and how much I miss him. I missed him so much it hurts, that I started to cry, and in that crying it felt like too much, and it was then that I purged from the second cup of ayahuasca. Acknowledging the love that I feel so deeply for him, I let him go. I know he is going to be fine and he can take care of himself, so I let him go. I began to feel separated from my body, as if going into outer space, no longer feeling where I end. But that moment was too brief, and just like that I was weighed down by the heaviness of this physical body. My hands on top of my abdomen felt like chains. I felt trapped. I kept shifting my position to no avail, the body is still heavy. I remember blurting out loud, "I am sick of this body". It felt like a burden to carry this body, and I thought of Albert Camus and his question of existence. I wondered if I were suicidal. I would not kill myself. But I have no desire to prolong this life or hold on to it as it seems others do. I also questioned why it is that I teach mostly asana. Isn't it ironic to think of this body as weight to carry around, all the while teaching how to move this body? Perhaps it is ironic, or perhaps it is exactly what makes sense. At one point, I saw my soul/consciousness float up into space again. I could be free, I thought. I am so close. This is it. But just as quickly, I felt that weight again. What is stopping me from letting this body go? What is stopping me from releasing this life? What is stopping me from enlightenment? Then I felt the pain of collective animal suffering, and I couldn't ignore it, and I couldn't let it go. Time seemed to drag on as I cried for the suffering of all animals, as I felt the anger directed towards those who don't care. I felt the pain of the pig who was slaughtered, the pig whose ear one of the volunteers showed me in the afternoon before the ceremony started. Not knowing I was vegan, she asked me if "the cut was okay". During the journey, I felt the pain of that one animal as I felt the pain of many. And it is then that I understood that life after life, I will keep coming back here, bound to this Earthly existence, because I cannot let go of this pain, because I cannot leave the animals alone in their suffering. I felt desolate, because as much as I say I want to be free, I cannot do it. I keep looking for ways to be free, to seek the inner world that is the consciousness, and yet my path is already carved out, exactly where I am, in the path of enlightenment through compassion for all beings. I cannot be free by leaving others behind. As long as others are not free, I cannot be free. That will be the work of my soul, life after life after life after life. The ayahuasca journey didn't offer me anything I do not know yet, but it gave me the experience of understanding from a place of clarity. It didn't give me answers to blind spots I have, as I had hoped it would. Instead, it told me that the work is not out there, it is in here. Session 2 The day before was full of heaviness and suffering, and to counter that I set my intention for ayahuasca to show me love, to show me light, and to show me hope in the world. I've heard people seeing flashbacks played before them, and perhaps this was what I thought would happen. Upon taking ayahuasca, I held it down for as long as I could, my estimate about 30 minutes before I purged, and laid down to close my eyes, thinking the visions would come soon enough. This time, it started with a bright white light. Quan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion, appeared with her hundreds or thousands of arms and hands, circling around her body. I felt my breath becoming more expansive, so much that I have to inhale everything in deeply, and exhale the air out in gasps. I had to deliberately breathe to make sure I am not holding the air in. Then I felt the energy moving through me in a way I have never in my life experienced before. It started with my right hand swaying, and was followed very quickly with trance-like dance movements where I just felt the energy leading the actions, hands and arms and head and upper body moving in accordance to how the energy moves them. There was nothing for me to do but observe. The body felt graceful, and flowing, and most of all light. I kept reaching my arms up to the sky, and I felt, as my teacher David Life must have said, that this body is an antenna to tune in to the Divine. After the trance, the body collapsed into the floor. I was in awe of everything that was happening. And as the movements continued when I lay down, this time smaller movements, I felt an initial tingling, trembling, then the energy shot up along the spine, the kundalini rising. I was conscious of thinking, this is it, it's not something someone made up after all. It's not the collective lie that my cynical mind suspected. There I was, experiencing it for myself. When that was over, I felt the subtle energy in the form of vibrations. The body wasn't made up of anything solid anymore. It was just pulsating vibrations through and through. It was intense, like the sensations I felt during Vipassana meditation but a thousand times more. I was filled with so much gratitude for having this body. In as much as it felt heavy and a burden the day before, today it felt like a gift with its lightness and range of movement. Ayahuasca showed me what I needed to see, not what I expected or conditioned my mind to. I experienced my energy body, and that is the lightness. Within me is the frequency of vibrating energy. All of us, all of us bound to the Earth, we are just frequencies after all; and therein lies our lightness. And in the two ayahuasca sessions I experienced thus far, there is the union of opposites: heaviness and lightness, suffering and ecstasy. I found out early on that my eyesight was blurred, and I had my first pair of glasses when I was about 9 years old. I wore it for a few years until I became a teenager and completely abandoned them, mainly because I became self-conscious and I didn't think glasses looked good on me. So for many years, I looked at the world and just resigned myself to the idea that I couldn't see things clearly. When I was about 20 years old, I decided to wear contact lenses. The first few moments that I wore the contact lenses, I was in complete awe. And unlike glasses where the peripheral vision is still blurred, the contact lenses made me able to see the world without distortions in angle. The world, I discovered, was clear, sharp, vibrant, and full of color after all.
While our vision looking outwards can easily be corrected, our vision looking inwards-- into our Self, our consciousness, our true nature-- takes more time and effort and sincerity to fix. This ignorance of the nature of the Self is the biggest blur of our internal vision. We mistakenly think the "self" thrives on strengthening the ego, seeing the "self" as important and others as less so. And we end up holding on to material and earthly gains and pleasures that we think benefit the "self", even as it hurts others. Because we create wars within ourselves, we think we have to be right, to be in control, to win, to be validated, to get what we desire, to be exempted from pain, to live forever, etc. Through this war within ourselves, our conflicts with others manifest. This is how we end up eating animals, enslaving humans for cheap labor, destroying nature, using genocide as an excuse for "cleansing", justifying killing for the "greater good". And because we are unable to see clearly, we suffer. How then can we see inwards clearly and open the doorway to the true Self? It is through being an investigator of our own mind and consciousness. It is through experiencing that the individual self is not separate from others. This is why we practice asana, to keep the body strong and limber to be able to sit in meditation, and when we meditate we can do so for long periods without the aches and pains and discomforts of the physical body getting in the way, and we can go deeper and deeper inwards, until we find that boundary wherein the ego still lies, and we are so deep into the investigation that the boundary between the individual self and pure consciousness is broken down, and we open the doorway to our true identity. PYS IV.3 nimittam aprayojakaṁ prakṛtīnāṁ varaṇa-bhedas tu tataḥ kṣetrikavat
Causes do not put nature, Prakrti, into motion. They only remove the obstacles and coverings, like a farmer breaking down the barriers to let water flow in the field. The hindrances removed by the causes, Nature impenetrates by herself. (Commentary by Shri Brahmananda Sarasvati) The first part of this yoga sutra states that incidental events do not directly cause what is bound to happen anyway. The second part of it uses the farmer (ksetrika) as an analogy. A farmer would remove the earth mound surrounding rice paddies to let the water flow through, in a way that nourishes the rice paddies and not merely flooding it excessively. The action of removing the earth mound did not cause the water to flow, it merely removed the obstacle at the right time. When contemplating this yoga sutra, I thought of how my experience in becoming a Jivamukti yoga teacher is similar. I had a secure job that paid well at a reputable company at that time. Then, I was made redundant, and upon losing that job, I took my Jivamukti teacher training. I now understand that losing that job did not cause me to become a yoga teacher. I was already headed towards that direction. If that weren't the case, I could easily choose to take another similar job at a similar company. Losing that job was not an obstacle; the job itself was an obstacle removed for the natural path to happen. When I think of it this way, I find the yoga sutra both empowering and reassuring at the same time. It is empowering in that it means our practice and intuition and wisdom will lead us to having the courage to remove obstacles when the time is right; reassuring in that events that are unexpected and may appear as unwanted in the beginning may simply be barriers being removed, and just requires our foresight to be able to see it. It is of our nature to be happy and free, as it is the nature of water to flow freely. This yoga sutra asks us to examine where there may be barriers and obstacles, and how we can take action to open the doorway to what is already there. If we see the path as a naturally occurring one, it also means it will feel right though not necessarily easy. Once the blockages are broken down and the doorway is open, we begin to walk the path of least resistance. |
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